Recently, I was at a conference and at lunch I sat next to a woman who had heard me say that I am a sexuality educator and sex and relationship coach in the morning session. She said, “I think most people think of sexuality as a luxury. Is there really a market for what you do?”
Often when I tell people that I am a sexuality educator they say, “Oh do you work with teens?” The implication, of course, is that teenagers are the only people who need sex ed. But actually, we ALL need it. “No.” I say, “I work primarily with adults and college students.” People seem to be able to understand my teaching college students, probably picturing safer sex demos on bananas and warnings about all the things young people need to avoid around sex. My guess is that people rarely think about conversations about pleasure and fulfillment in sex or working to create highly functional communication that builds relationships when they imagine what I do.
Most people have a pretty limited definition of sexuality, thinking it’s only about sex and sexual orientation or “preference,” as many people call it. Yet it’s so much more. Healthy sexuality is critical to our pursuit of happiness, healthy family structures and building societies based on love, community and creativity instead of destruction, hate, and war. I think that’s pretty fundamentally important for any adult, so yes, adults need sex education, coaches and guidance if they want to create fulfilling lives that reach their highest creative and joyful potential.
Let me say this as clearly as I can: Sexuality is NOT a luxury. It is an intrinsic part of who we are. It is what brings us orgasmic joy for living fully realized lives. It is the energy we use to make art, make community, make business, make love, and create intimacy. It is the way we connect to our environment and to others. It is the energy we use to bring our whole selves forth in the world.
If you still do not see this vision, let’s imagine a world without sexuality. Picture this: People walking around like robots with deadened looks in their eyes, unable to feel pleasure and joy, unable to find ways to connect with each other. There is a lack of love and compassion because we have no connection. There is an inherent separateness and divisiveness in our way of living. No real collaboration. No one is creative. This inevitably leads to mass wars, killing and aggressionpassion unchecked by love. We don’t birth nearly as many babies, but the ones we actually have are neglected and left to fend for themselves. Most of them, of course, do not survive this sexuality-less world.
In a word, without our sexuality, we are MISERABLE.
We already have mass wars, killing, disconnection, you say. I say, where these things are most acute, look at the cultural mores about sexuality and pleasure. Is pleasure supported and encouraged? Is sexual expression valued? Are people sexually repressed? Oppressed? How is sexual shame used to control citizens?
Remember when Clinton was in office? As soon as he was publicly shamed about his sexuality with the Monica Lewinsky debacle, he started a war. Literally began dropping bombs. This was not just about diversion, although that was part of it. It was about his need to assert his power, his sexuality. If we aren’t creating love, joy and pleasure with it, we are going to go polar and create abusive situations, violence and war because our passion needs expression.
Sexuality is not a luxury. It’s the critical core of our happiness and well-being. We cannot afford to ignore this well of energy that exists within each one of us. The world needs our juice. Our juju. Our creativity. Our vision.
I continue to envision this world in my work, my writing, and my dreams. I create it in my relationships. I know it’s possible. Our sexuality is that powerful. It is a necessary antidote to all that ails us.
If it’s no where near the top of your list, I encourage you to make your sexuality a priority. You will be a much happier person as you become more aligned with your own beauty and magnificence and the very core of who you are. We have to stay tuned in to that channel all the time. That takes some real presence and energy, but the potential rewards are unlimited.